If I’m fired up and hyper and just wanting to punish my kids when we’ve been bouncing back and forth between one kid requesting Shakira’s World Cup songs and the other exposing our family to the world of vocaloids, I go to one particular song. The artist I go to has a rather full catalog of songs that could serve this purpose, but I have one in particular I select.

First, the long list of honourable mentions that I like to play, let’s say ironically:

• Cotton-eyed Joe. It holds a special place in my heart after watching someone perform this during karaoke at a beach bar in Marbella, Spain. There was a drunk Scotsman who got up and started dancing and his magnificent Russian dancing means this song holds a special place in my heart.
• Boom, Shake the Room by Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff is another song I love to annoy people with. Code Red was their attempt a harder album and it missing the mark terribly means I love it even more.
• Batdance by Prince. I love Prince, I love this song, and the album is nails. That doesn’t change the fact that this song is decidedly not for everyone and it has become somewhat of a litmus test for me when it comes to judging new people I meet.

There are others but it depends on the audience. The one song that works universally for me comes courtesy of Hammer. Not M.C. Hammer, the rebranded Hammer. He’s hard now. No more Too Legit to Quit, no more Can’t Touch This, not even Pray. He’s gangster now. And he wants Pumps and a Bump.

There are a couple of versions of this video, generally I think the other one goes harder but this one featuring Deion Sanders adds to the hilarious nature of Hammer. The parachute pants might be toned down but they are still there. He makes every effort to make sure you know he’s from Oakland. It’s fantastic. Like all Hammer/M.C. Hammer songs, it has absolutely nothing to say, no commentary, and the sound is generic at best. It’s still impossible to ignore and begs the question “why am I listening to this?”