“Soft disclosure had always been a nice way of putting it,” Derrick stated to his wife, “it’s conditioning.”

The statement was met with the usual eye roll and sigh from Monica, who was content to watch the coverage. “You can take your victory lap later,” she acknowledged, “let’s hear what they are saying.”

The couple was parked in front of their television, like everyone else. The streets were empty, but a faint glow was coming from the front window of every home on the block.

Police, military, and first responders were on full alert. They’d be called upon to subdue a massive rising and stood dutifully in areas at risk of property damage. No one was getting an early start on rioting. The night was still young, and the words everyone was waiting to hear had poured out of the President’s mouth.

“We are not only alone in the universe, but we are not alone on our planet…” buzzed the television. Aliens do exist was the expected message. The confirmation of an Earth visit was a given if the first statement was to be proclaimed so boldly.

The message wasn’t met with panic in the streets, but a mass reaction of, “I knew it.” The conditioning had worked.

The president wrapped up his prepared statement. “Given the significance of what has been announced, major cities will begin martial law. Markets will be closed. Prices will be locked. If our country remains stable, we will lift all restrictions in one week.”

Derrick and Monica processed the news with jaws dropped. Tense over what the next week would bring. “Do we still go to work?” Monica inquired. Derek was already emailing his boss to find out. Monica started texting her co-workers to find out what they knew.

The government had prepared well for this moment. No one was losing their phone signal. All the internet connections were as strong as they had ever been. No power shortages. Businesses were closed until tomorrow for the announcement. There wasn’t an option to hoard tonight. The law enforcement presence during martial law effectively prevented looting.

“I guess we’re working,” Derrick replied as his phone dinged.

“Me too,” Monica confirmed.

Derrick had been waiting for this moment for years. He had an extra propane tank and a jerrycan full of gas in the garage. They already had a safe full of cash. The pantry was stocked with shelf-stable items. He wasn’t a doomsday prepper but wasn’t going to be caught with his pants down.

Derrick’s shit had always driven Monica mad, but like with the disclosure, he earned his “I told you so.” His phone notifications illuminated the dark room. Texts, calls, social media messages. He was locked in. Everyone who had endured Derrick’s hyperfocus on this topic was in desperate need of his thoughts on what next.

Derrick didn’t know. No one without the proper secret clearance knew. That didn’t stop Derrick from sharing his favourite theories.

Monica was less enthusiastic. Checking in with her parents and her sister was the priority before shutting herself down with a long soak in the tub.

“Don’t stay up too late,” was her advice for Derrick. Monica knew he’d be up all night anyway, but it had to be said. She was happy to be alone with her thoughts anyway.

*

Bethany dragged her first load of groceries in from the garage to find Steve examining a pair of rifles on the kitchen table. A crate of bullets sat next to them.

“We’re all set,” announced Steve. He was proud of his haul. “Getting the guns from my parents’ place wasn’t too bad, but they didn’t have enough bullets. You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through to get these.

“I have an idea,” Bethany responded. “Go and grab some of the groceries.”

“There’s more?”

“A lot more,” Bethany declared as she lit her cigarette, acting as if this was the first breath she had taken all day.

The president’s announcement hadn’t received the full-scale riot treatment they were prepared for. It was met as you’d expect from a society that suffered through a global pandemic. Supply chain issues were fresh in everyone’s head and as Steve carried in stack after stack of toilet paper, it was clear what Bethany’s priority was.

“Did you get any of that chili I like?” Steve asked, “If we have all this toilet paper, I plan on putting it to good use.”

Bethany took a deep drag of her cigarette, too exhausted to acknowledge Steve mistaking crassness for humour. She thought marrying a man from Connecticut meant he’d be polished. Steve was a little boy wrapped in a trust fund. She took another drag, hoping they wouldn’t be sheltering in place again. COVID nearly ended their marriage.

“I got you a case,” Bethany said. “It’s under the flats of Diet Coke.”

Steve couldn’t help but feel everything was going to be fine now that he had his chili. The guns afforded him the opportunity to get more chili later on if the world went to shit.  At least he was set for now.

“The stores are like Black Friday,” Bethany sighed, hoping for sympathy.

“I know. I had to go to four different stores before I found these bullets. We’re set now,” Steve declared, dismissing his wife, who was begging for some sense of understanding.

“You don’t know how to shoot.”

“How hard can it be?”

“Handguns are more practical.”

“They didn’t have handguns.”

Another drag of the cigarette. Bethany was confident that somehow one of these guns would be her demise. There was no getting that through to Steve as he continued to stare at the rifles lying on the table. He hoped that staring at them gave him the expertise he needed.

At least they were done stockpiling. Bethany had filled every inch of their Chevy Silverado. The grocery shelves were bare by the time Bethany left the last store. Protein-fueled Cheerios and cream-filled Pop-Tarts were all that remained. This was the sustenance for the alien apocalypse.

They both climbed into their massage chairs and turned on the television. The footage of people fleeing the cities dominated the news. For the first time in years, Bethany was happy that she had moved from New York when they married. Steve was already fast asleep.

David was walking his little Pekingese, Biscuit, along the boardwalk. He loved Biscuit and Biscuit loved him. That was David’s little secret from Jessica. He’d pretend that little pup wasn’t manly enough for him. The reality is that walking the dog was one of his favourite activities. He had become known in the neighbourhood as the big guy with the little dog. Their odd-couple looks afforded Biscuit access to every restaurant and store David visited.

David sipped his coffee as Biscuit bent over to do her business next to a tree. Her thousand-mile stare while she pooped always warranted a laugh. David reached into his pocket for a baggy to dispose of her filth.

They’d walk side by side to the bin, Biscuit with a bit more pep in her step to make their deposit. David looked up and saw the sky filled with an orange glow. A massive disc-shaped craft emerged through the atmosphere.

The President’s words had become very real.

*

A light tug of Biscuit’s leash and the duo were on their way back home to Jessica.

Jessica enjoyed the peace and quiet of David and Biscuit heading out early for a walk. She loved them, but sharing a bed with David’s foghorn snoring and Biscuit’s wet food farts put moments like this at a premium. Jessica was awake but not quite ready to wake up. She left her phone in the other room, and she had finished her book last night. She started a to-do list in her head. Not for herself, but for David.

David and Biscuit bursting into the room with David screaming, “WAKE UP, YOU’VE GOT TO SEE THIS!” cleared the list from Jessica’s mind. The initial frustration Jessica felt subsided realizing David wouldn’t have done any of it.

Jessica pulled on her pajama pants and stretched before joining her family in the front yard. Matching their energy without coffee was tough.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?” was her proclamation.

“Nothing gets by you,” David joked, hoping his humour landed, not the spacecraft. “I guess we have visitors.” Even Biscuit seemed disappointed in David’s schtick.

They’d all head inside and turn on the television. This was the only spacecraft that was known about. NASA projected it was on course for Europe. The best guess was Davos, Switzerland.

NASA had always projected the United Nations in New York was where aliens introduced themselves to the world. They had lost faith that Americans wouldn’t try to shoot them down. The host of the World Economic Forum was their safety school.

*

Glorp and Xenu never got out together much anymore. They had fallen into a routine. Living together and working together left them with little to talk about in their lives. They needed a little adventure. When the chance to visit the remote outpost planet of Earth popped up, they jumped at the opportunity. Missions to Earth typically involved the underwater supply station. Sometimes a diplomatic envoy spoke with the spirit beings under the planet’s crust. This time Glorp and Xenu were getting a rare surface mission. They were thrilled.

“Did you remember to bring money for the tolls?” Glorp asked.

“I thought you said you were taking care of that,” Xenu replied while crossing their arms in frustration. “I don’t know why I ask you to do anything.”

“Me neither,” Glorp retorted.

They sat in silence for a couple of star systems before Xenu finally said, “I should be fine. I don’t think the surface has tolls.”

The Octopi shared warnings about humans and their self-importance. The humans were absolute in their belief the planet was theirs despite the size and depth of the ocean. Their continual pollution of the oceans was evidence of their ignorance and bane of the Octopi way of life. Everything from bomb detonations to discarded car batteries threatened the hydrosphere. If Octopi technology mirrored the surface dwellers’, human negligence would be catastrophic.

“Are you lost?” Xenu grumbled as they entered the atmosphere. “I thought this Switzerland place had more mountains.”

“Have you been here before. I’m doing my best!” Glorp was getting frustrated. It didn’t seem like this trip was bringing them closer together. It was only magnifying their communication issues. Their issues were on hold. Even if they were off course, Davos was only a few minutes away. They’d have to be all business. Wise, all-knowing superbeings were their act. Not the couple that had rescheduled their therapy appointment to be here. They had said nothing meaningful in the last couple of sessions anyway.

“It’s getting late,” Xenu noted, “let’s camp here for the night, and we’ll pop our heads out in the morning. I don’t want to deal with these people on no sleep.”

Glorp didn’t object. They nodded and kicked their feet up on the console for some rest after a long trip.

*

The entire world didn’t look away. Whether it was on social media or television. A UFO hovering over Switzerland deserved the same focus as Eurovision.

Mark and Liam couldn’t look away from the TV. If one of them fell asleep, they’d wake the other up. Someone had to be watching the television at all times. If one of them was in the washroom, the other waited to go grab a snack from the kitchen. It was serious business.

“What do you think they look like?” Liam questioned, “I hope they aren’t the bug aliens.”

Speculation had been rampant. “Experts” had been cycling images of Lizard people, insectoids, and the classic “Greys” on the coverage since the news broke. Half the planet had money riding on the outcome, and with sports on hold, this was the best way to get your gambling fix.

“I’m going with beams of light,” Mark responded, “there’s no guarantee they are even close to us.”

“Bug aliens are close to us?”

“You know what I mean.”

“There’s no chance that I do.”

Their endurance was slipping and the need for answers increasing. At this point, they’d get their answer and fall asleep. If most of the population were in the same boat, a panic was avoidable.

The suspense was killing them, but waiting seemed to make the situation less tense. We hadn’t been death-rayed from space. No monsters with ray guns were roaming the landscape. There were no reliable reports of anal probing. Only a hovering spacecraft.

A spacecraft that was now lowering itself to the ground.

“MARK GET IN HERE, IT’S HAPPENING!”

There was a thud of the popcorn bowl hitting the counter before Liam’s partner joined him. They held hands, sharing this historic moment as the door opened.

The human envoy approached the craft. These people had been the focus of news coverage all day. The President of the United States, along with a celebrated linguist, the Secretary-General of the United Nations, and the President of Russia. There was also a series of children of different races. Each child held flowers as gifts for the guests.

“I hope they don’t have pollen allergies where they come from,” Mark snapped.

Once the humans were at the end of the red carpet, two shadowy figures filled the doorway.

“GET ON WITH IT!” Liam yelled. They didn’t seem to be in a hurry. It would be another two minutes before they’d emerge.

“Oh, my God! They look like the Thompsons up the street,” Mark exclaimed.

There they stood. After years of wondering if humans were alone in the universe, the answer was that somewhere in the galaxy there was a planet of Connecticut WASPs.

“At least they aren’t wearing sweater vests,” Liam joked.

The alien attire was a simple black tunic with a couple of medals adorning the shoulders.

“A little black dress. A classic,” Liam snorted as he doubled over from his own joke.

“You’re enjoying this way too much,” Mark said, trying his best not to encourage Liam, but fighting a smirk with all his might.

The humans and the “not humans” made their way back down the red carpet and into a series of vans taking them to an undisclosed location. After thousands of light years, Glorp and Xenu’s final leg of their journey was in a Toyota Sienna. The world once again was placed in a holding pattern as this galactic summit took place away from prying eyes.

*

“Again with this shit?” was Tony’s response to the news cutting into his sports coverage. There hadn’t been any live sports in days, but prerecorded darts tournaments still mattered more to Tony than anything going on in Davos.

“Turn it up, I want to hear what they’re saying,” bellowed Sarah from the other room. Sarah wasn’t going to stay at home glued to the television like everyone else. She was going to keep on living her life until she couldn’t. In his own little way, Tony was doing the same. The last thing Sarah needed was some alien shit ruining her plans with her friends, so she at least needed the bulletin update.

“Stand by for the President of the United States…” the announcer proclaimed. The footage of a vacant podium built the tension. This was a message worth waiting for.

“Can you believe this shit? They are interrupting the show, and he’s not even there yet. There are two hundred channels. Why does he have to be on every station?” Tony complained. He was completely oblivious to the fact that he was acting like a toddler who missed his nap.

Sarah played on her phone. Validating Tony’s complaints opened her up to hearing about everything else that was pissing him off. And a nod and faint noise of recognition would suffice and shut it down. Instagram memes were enough to tide her over until the President began his update.

“Citizens of Earth, we have spent the past day meeting with the representatives from the Alliance of Star Systems. They have been visiting our planet for a long time and have proven themselves to cause us no harm, and at times have staved off disasters on our behalf. They are our protectors as our planet continues to develop. Someday they may see us as possible members of their alliance, but not today.”

Tony began to provide his commentary on the President’s words before Sarah immediately shushed him.

“While the Alliance means us no harm, there are those in the galaxy who do not share their views. There is an Armada of ships traveling towards our planet and arriving tomorrow. They look to take our planet by force and drain our planet of its resources deep in the core of our planet.

The Alliance, as well as the Octopi of Earth. Intelligent evolved versions of the Octopuses we know will be making a stand on our behalf. We would only get in the way, and our most powerful weapons are useless.

This is where I’d ask you all to pray and say, “God bless Earth.” I have learned that the ones we’ve called God are actually the Alliance. We’ll instead wish them well in what they’ve described as a winnable fight.”

“Sounds like they’ve got this,” Tony said as he stretched out on the couch. “You don’t want to be late for meeting your friends.”

Sarah’s face had gone completely white, and she was shaking like a dog scolded for peeing on the rug. The fate of the world was being decided tomorrow. There is an army of Octopuses that are going to try to save the planet. God is a bunch of aliens who stop for gas here on their way to someplace better. What the fuck?

“Hey, darts are back on,” Tony cheered.

This was Tony’s way of dealing with things. There was something zen about riding out the end of days watching recaps of the previous week’s Canadian Football League games.

Vax and Zorak were bringing up the rear of the fleet.

“We used to be at the front,” Zorak grumbled. “Now look at us.”

“This is a big honour. You should be proud,” Vax assured them.

It didn’t feel like an honour. If things went well, the battle would be over before they got anywhere near Earth. If it wasn’t going well, they’d be the first to tuck their tales and run. They’d get the honour of being the first back to the homeworld in defeat.

“There’s nothing that says we have to miss the battle. We have to be smart about it,” Vax continued to inject their optimism into the conversation. Zorak wasn’t having it. He focused on the sensors. The Alliance had the habit of hiding behind moons to mask the number of ships they had. It was a predictable tactic, but it worked. There was no way of knowing how many ships were there, beyond the Octopi ships that were emerging from the planet’s atmosphere.

“It’s nice that they only have one moon. Makes it easier to know where they’ll be coming from.” This was Zorak throwing Vax a bone. Zorak didn’t mean to be so negative. When your ex commands the flagship, and you are pulling up the rear, this won’t be the most enjoyable invasion.

“That’s the spirit. Let’s try to enjoy it. I’ve never seen Earth,” Vax chirped, “I guess no one is going to see it after this either.”

Zorak liked that. Vax was good at putting this moment in perspective. Enjoy the moment.

“They sent a ship to get a better reading closer to the moon,” Zorak informed.

“See, it could always be worse. That order is a death sentence.” Vax was intent on keeping it light. “No way you don’t get shot down reporting on their fleet numbers.”

The pair watched in silence as the scout ship approached the moon. “There’s nothing showing on our sensors.” The confused scout relayed over the comms before disappearing behind Earth’s moon. Things went silent. The scout was likely destroyed as soon as it was in weapons range of the alliance. A fleet of ships might be coming into range any second. Nope. A minute later, that lone scout ship completed its orbit and was back in sensor range. “There’s no one here. It’s the Octopi.”

The Alliance had crunched the numbers. Glorp and Xenu’s message from Earth had been intercepted. After meeting with the Humans, they determined Earth wasn’t worth saving. There was no use in losing ships. The Octopi emerging from the atmosphere were all setting course for the Alliance territory, led by Glorp and Xenu. They’d let them go. No glorious battle today.

The fleet split and cleared a path for Zorak and Vax to approach the planet. They’d get the biggest moment after all. Zorak hit the button, launching the doomsday torpedo. The planet was obliterated. The fleet gathered up the minerals from the exploded core. Mission accomplished.

They would forever be known as Zorak and Vax: Destroyers of Earth.

The End.